emotions

tiny fortress

I'm at home today, on my first official "earned day off" and I am all but spinning in circles as I struggle to spend it well. I had big plans mapped out yesterday, but my mind has gone foggy as to what they were. There is a distinct chill in the air now. The house was cold all morning and my movements were slow. Now the windows are open and a pleasant breeze traverses the room. I let the rabbits roam, not expecting that they would harass the poor old cat. Fortunately, they gave up easily and each pet is calmly resting in her own sunbeam now. Last night, I locked myself out of the house and sat in the garden. I've done this once before, but this time I pulled the knob tight with an intentional hand. You see, when stacks of dirty dishes sprawl across my kitchen (how does this happen so quickly?), it makes me want to scream. Usually I have the wherewithal to roll up my sleeves and banish them to the dishrack, but occasionally a long day and insufficient snacking will tilt me in the direction of rash emotion and terse words. Rather than scream, I scrammed. I sat at the little table in the back of the garden and wrote as I watched crows move eastward towards the gorge and pink ice-cream-castle clouds settle on the horizon. After a while, after having observed a wren light on the rooftop for a mid-flight song and a scarlet-flushed purple finch seek seed among the arugula pods, and having noted a garden spider's tiny fortress in the cosmos and coriander, I began to shiver more than a little, and knocked rather sheepishly at the garden door.

We had several weeks of deliciously rainy weather and grass and dandelions are coming up everywhere. I am feeling similarly refreshed. Here is what I would like for the months to come: dinner parties/potlucks/cooking and eating in company, forest hikes and foraging for autumn mushrooms, apples in abundance, time spent with loved ones, garlic in the ground, and to cultivate an active and creative lifestyle.

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small

Last night I hid in a box, because real life doesn't happen when you're in a box, right? Everything can just keep spinning away outside but inside is separated by a near-Narnian veil of what remains of childhood belief. It was a big moving box that belongs to my house rabbits - I had gone to sit with them to soothe my temper, and rather than face my partner who had taken the brunt of my work and money related anxieties, I eyed it, then just crawled in. It might have been cute, in happier circumstances, and if I were say three, or six. But it felt safe in there, the world reduced to a plush layer of slightly gnawed brown paper all within an arm's reach. When he found me, we talked about the overwhelming world until a softly snuffling rabbit nose got me to come out. I am most anxious about time spent unhappily, at work, say, in the pre-morning, and how it nibbles at the time I value, when I am free. Some people like their jobs - I have always found this amazing.

My cat woke me up yesterday morning with an epic concert of meows. This is her daily routine but I'm not usually home to hear it.

We walked around a small lake this afternoon as dusk settled. Swordferns and heavy tendrils of mist surrounded us, and from the path of muck and rock, we saw a raft of dark ducks in tight formation slowly sweep across the lake in front of us.

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